As soon as someone finds out that I am a therapist who focuses on sex therapy the inevitable question arises, “How do I get my girlfriend/wife to have more sex?”
I usually laugh and say, “Go do the dishes.” Research actually shows that men, in heterosexual relationships do between 40-65% of the household chores, they have
more sex.
In all seriousness, it is no secret that men often have higher sex drives and seem to have to work harder to get their significant other “in the mood.” This, in part, is because men often utilize sex as a way to feel more emotionally connected to their partner. Ladies, have you ever been in an argument or fight with your man and shortly afterwards he wants sex!! He is feeling disconnected and wants to build back the gap in the emotional bridge.
Unfortunately, many women do not operate that way. They often need to feel emotionally connected to be aroused. Obviously, each woman is going to differ in the way they feel emotionally connected. This is where techniques related to Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages can come into play. Chances are you already know what speaks to your wife or girlfriend, you already know what things make her happy; i.e. giving her break from the kids, taking her on a romantic dinner, sending her a loving text message during the day, or even mowing the lawn. By doing the things that help her to feel loved you are keeping that emotional bridge strong and are more likely to succeed in your advances towards her.
However, please bear in mind that stress, diet, and sleep will still play a role in her attitude towards sex, at that moment. It also depends on how you make your advances towards her. I often hear complaints like, “He just grabs at my breasts and expects me to be ready to go.” While there are some women how enjoy the random grope or fondle and even many women who like it “sometimes,” most women do not enjoy being groped as a means of indicating that their partner wants sex. They want a little finesse in the touch, do not rush straight into sexual intercourse. Take time with getting her aroused, most women (50-75%, according to research) do not achieve orgasm through vaginal penetration, but by clitoral stimulation.
Remember, foreplay is not just the few minutes before sexual intercourse. Foreplay is consistent and can go on for several days. Flirting with your significant other, being romantic on the days in between sexual intercourse can go a long way. And most importantly, talk to your significant other, ask her what her she likes and what her turn-ons are.