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How Do I Deal With Differing Sexual Styles

Dear Jen,

My partner really likes a certain sexual position, but I CANNOT stand it. How can we make our sex life work? Does it mean that we both have to do without what we really enjoy in order to compromise?



Dear Unsatisfied,

It sounds like you and your partner are not sexually compatible, at least not yet. But you can learn to be sexually compatible. In order for sexual compatibility to increase, you would both need to be able to talk about your sex life, desires, fantasies, turn-ons, turn-offs, etc. Questions that might be important for you to explore might be: what is it about that position that you don’t like? Does it hurt? Do you feel demeaned? Some questions to ask your partner might be: why do they like that position so much? Are they not able to maintain sexual arousal in other positions? Are there physical restraints that make other positions difficult? Does this position give them more control or less?

But the conversation doesn’t stop there!! Sexual communication is something that should be ongoing throughout the entirety of the relationship. It is vital to feeling sexual satisfaction. Furthermore, when you are able to talk to your partner about what each of you likes and why, then you can garner more understanding and potentially increase desire or at least acquiescence, without discomfort, towards certain sexual positions and/or acts.

However, if at any time, a position or sexual act makes you feel wholly uncomfortable, then do NOT do it! Doing something that makes you feel disgusted, used, painful, etc. will create resentment and decrease desire. Instead discuss fantasies and other positions that you both like, in order to find compromises. Notice I made compromise plural. While we are creatures of habit, when it comes to sex, people tend to like a little spice in the bedroom, at least once in a while. Because your bodies are made differently, it is not uncommon to have differing preferences. If there are not any major issues with the positions or acts you each like, then consider taking turns with your preferred positions. You can either practice each person’s sexual style within a sexual experience or denote beforehand who might be the more beneficiary during a particular experience. You can also potentially find ways to modify a preferred position that benefits your both!!



*Disclaimer: this is not meant to act as or replace therapy in any way. Questions sent in may be edited for de-identification purposes, length, and/or grammatic coherency.

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